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I found myself conflicted after watching Ted Haggard speak out on Oprah. Is this man a “repentant sinner”? Or is he a man using his past abuse and sexual history as a means to redeem him self due to an insatiable desire for the spotlight? These are two very difficult questions to answer. On the one hand, Ted is openly saying, “I was wrong and nothing I will ever do will make up for the damage and ultimately, I needed therapy.” While I appreciate his admittance of wrong-doing and I agree whole-heartedly that he needed real therapy, not pat answers from well-meaning but undiscerning Christians, I also take into account that his admittance of wrong-doing did not occur until there was undeniable proof that he had indeed done exactly what he was being accused of.

And this is the same scenario that plays out when a clergy member is accused of pedophilia, but often times in the end there is no “evidence” (since 4-year-olds don’t understand how to record conversations) and the clergy continues moving from one congregation to another without consequence. Would Ted Haggard be so humble had he been accused of pedophilia knowing he would go to prison and would he have come forward and admitted wrong-doing if there were no evidence of it? In the end, I ask myself if Ted Haggard is humble and open because he just “got caught” and needs a way to recover from the consequences and this public “spin” is the way for him to come back. Or is he humble and open because he seeks true restoration?

I don’t claim to know the heart of Ted Haggard, but what I do know is that his situation left a wake of tragedy in its place. And I hope with all my heart that Ted is truly sorry for what has happened. If he is genuine, I truly hope he finds grace and healing.

At the same time, I have sincere doubts and skepticism. I found it hard to swallow that he sent out a letter seeking funds in 2007 after being given a large severance package. And why did he make statements about the church “hating” him and complain about being “sent into exile” with the hefty amount of money he was given on the way out of the church? It seems that a man who was truly sorry for his actions would accept any/all consequences that resulted, understanding that his actions put the church in a difficult position and that his actions were the root of the problem. Even in the HBO special, Ted didn’t seem to have completely embraced the consequences, but instead, appeared to place blame on the church.

I also find it very difficult to read the statements made by Mike Jones and Grant Haas. These two men were most obviously affected by Ted’s behavior and again I ask myself a few questions:

If Ted and the church have apologized, sincerely corrected the error and responded the right way to this debacle, then why is Mike Jones saying the things he’s saying? Why is Mike saying there are two other victims that the church is not coming forward about? Mike has told the truth all along and Ted has been proven to be the liar, so is Mike once again telling the truth? Is it possible that Ted’s other victims were minors and the parents are devoted followers within the church and choosing to cover this up? Why did the church leaders meet with Ted to dissuade him from moving forward with this documentary and warn him by saying, “others might come forward”? Why won’t the church leaders agree to meet with Mike Jones? Is he not “worth their time” due to former occupation? What do they know about what Ted Haggard did and what are they afraid is going to come to the surface? And why did Grant Haas believe that Ted was using his past to portray himself as a victim and believed this to such a degree that he was willing to risk a lawsuit to come out and talk about his relationship with Ted? Why is Grant Haas saying he is fully persuaded that Ted Haggard is a danger to society?

Why are these men still talking about the way this situation was handled with a tone of disdain and anger? Quote: “My anger is so much at the church,” Jones said. “They tried to keep this quiet when all along I’ve taken a beating feeling like I was the only one, when clearly there were others.”

Why is Grant Haas saying that he was treated by the church in a way that made him believe they were trying to do everything they could to cover this up and force him to move on? Quote: "Their main focus was, you know, cover it up, don't say anything," Haas said. "You'll regret it if you come forward."

Alexandra Pelosi, director of the HBO documentary, said it best on Monday. "But this is what happens when you don't handle things properly at the time," said Pelosi, a daughter of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "If the church had been 100 percent full disclosure at the time, maybe this wouldn't be a problem now."

I wrestle through these questions because it is obvious to me that there are secrets about this situation that have not been brought into the open and fully resolved and I cannot believe that the people who’ve been directly and deeply wounded by this situation will be ready to “move forward with good will” until it is dealt with to the fullest. And although we need to be forgiving and grace-filled, discernment is essential in moving forward and moving forward needs to be done one step at a time and with caution.

Maybe Ted Haggard and the church believe they have done all they can to right the wrongs. But it is obvious when viewing this from the outside neither Ted nor the church has whole-heartedly, sincerely, and adequately resolved things with these men in a satisfactory way for all parties involved. If Ted Haggard is sincere in his apology, he should not “teach” others how to get through something like this. He should not be negative about the church. And he should not be saying things to the victim like: “You just need to forgive.”

Ted Haggard should bow his head, humble himself, accept all blame, and go to great lengths to place NO blame on others for the way this fell out against him. If the church desires resolution to this conflict, then the leaders of the church should be willing to meet with Mike Jones and Grant Haas to bring them closure. The church should not “blow them off,” degrade or demean them in any way. They should do everything possible to help these men move on. The church should also bring out whether or not there are others involved and assure the public that Ted Haggard did not abuse a minor.

They shouldn’t name the others by name, since they have chosen not to identify themselves, but I think with the amount of speculation on the blogs about Ted’s activities and the amount of attention that has been brought back on this situation due to the HBO documentary, that these steps would be appropriate. If there was ever a time for a church to step up and do the right thing, now is the time.

I have a firm belief that when things are handled sincerely and transparently, good people try their best to forgive and move forward. That does not mean that the victim won’t talk about the experience or express hurt from the experience. But when victims feel that they have not been heard, or things are being covered, or the church is making moves to brush it under the rug, then it is easy for those who’ve been hurt to remain angry and disillusioned and it makes it very difficult for them to move on in a healthy way.

It is not until our churches become open, transparent and completely honest about the messes behind closed doors that people outside its walls will be able to trust again! No matter the outcome, Ted Haggard is obviously deeply conflicted in his personal life and his family, New Life Church, Mike Jones, Grant Haas, and many others have a long, difficult journey ahead and my heart goes out to all of them.